If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.