Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.