I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
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[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors