Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
lol
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.