It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Lucky old June.