friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim