angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*