Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
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[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.