the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell