My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Money is the root of all wealth
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My whole life was a lie.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it