[at the general store]
me: one general please
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.