Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*