when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.