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Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.