Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.