I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
These are my roll models.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!