Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Good morning, Twitter x
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.