It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.