Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
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You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey