Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.