Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Said the murderer.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*