In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
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Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.