🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Labreador
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG