Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.