*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
You Might Also Like
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.