Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
is nasa ok
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.