Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
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You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.