cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!