Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
spicy snake
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
my fav colour is also hitler
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face