one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
So creative 😂
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird