Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
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Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.