[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me, in DM rooms…
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell