Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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BETRAYAL
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.