[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.