[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo