me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
This makes total sense…
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*