It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.