angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Do not steal food from the science building!
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?