Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
You Might Also Like
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
what could possibly go wrong?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.