Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
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WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I have questions??
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.