If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My birthstone is kidney
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after