Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
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Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?