I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.