UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
You Might Also Like
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”