“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
You Might Also Like
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
when dads have a rap battle
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”