Kidney stones? Hard pass
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
#polloftheday
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve