My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
This hospital has everything
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts