[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
You Might Also Like
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Generation gap…
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you