Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.