most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
An odd boast
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
lmao
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.